Friday, September 12, 2008

Fabulous New Diet Plan

It's official. I'm really going to do it! I really, really mean it! No excuses! At 6:00 AM on Sunday morning, I'm starting a diet.
Actually, I go on a diet every Sunday. Once, it even lasted for four months. Usually, it last anywhere from four days to four hours. Every Saturday night, I weigh myself and then I look at myself in the mirror from every angle.

Consequently, I have a theory about the middle aged spread. It seems to me that decades of sitting on your behind, pushing a pencil, would inevitably cause your bottom to change shape. Some of the fat moves out, to the sides but the rest is pushed into your abdomen causing your stomach to protrude. I have no scientific evidence to support this theory but just look around - isn't it obvious?
So anyway, I'm going to try a new diet. I've tried everything else. I did the grapefruit diet. I ate nothing but grapefruits and drank eight gallons of water everyday. My bladder pulled the plug on that one. I was so tired from getting up seven times a night to go to the bathroom that I couldn't concentrate during the day.
Then, I tried the bran muffin, brown rice, most-boring-food-in-the-world, Fiber Diet. Let's just say I believe the intestines were designed for temporary storage. I don't think my colon is supposed to be that clean!
Several years ago, I did the system diet. It required paying a premium price for dehydrated peas in a box and weekly pep talks from hungry looking women. I lost weight because I was too broke to buy real food.
And I know, I know - you shouldn't diet. It's a lifestyle change right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a diet. A lifestyle change is winning the lottery and getting a live-in housekeeper.
I'm a little leery of people who leave half of a tender, well-seasoned, charbroiled ribeye on their plate and skip French silk pie to choose herbal tea. Yum yum. Come on! I finally get out for a fun evening and a nice dinner and you want me to eat a boiled chicken wing and a celery stick? Go ahead. Just lock me up and throw away the key! Why go on? My friends who order dinner just to admire it don't work outside the home. I believe they eat Twinkies and M & M's all day so that when we go out, they're not hungry.
But I digress. This new diet is simple. I'm going to eat my meals at the grocery store. You know, they have so many samples you can have a four-course meal while you shop. Think about it. They give you small portions. There's lots of variety. You walk from table to table. You're too embarrassed to ask for seconds. (Well, some of us.) And best of all, no cooking. I get my grocery shopping done at the same time. It's got great potential.
Besides, if it doesn't work, I'll have food in the pantry and I won't have to hear my sons say, "Mom, there's nothing to eat around here." A win-win situation - now that's a lifestyle change.