Five Things You Should Avoid Asking An Author

Friends, I have been going nonstop since last November promoting and marketing my book with bookstore signings, book club meetings, online/telephone chats, seminars, booths at conferences....I'm gone almost every weekend. I turned my oven on yesterday just to make sure it still works. I've been to twelve states and I've taken pictures with everybody and their mama. This is my third book so I know to expect certain things. For example, during a two-hour signing at Barnes & Noble, I will repeat the synopsis of my book 20-30 times. I don't mind. I will answer questions on every subject from my make-up to my age. I don't mind. My feet will hurt no matter what shoes I wear. That's life. I just wish people would not ask me the five following questions over and over and over again...
1. Is that you? (Pointing to my photo in the book.) You look different in person.
Answer: Thank you. With a lot of make-up and good lighting, you too can appear almost attractive. Sorry, to disappoint you with my age spots and wrinkles.

2. Is this a true story?
Answer: It is a novel. Novel means fiction. Fiction means I will not admit it has elements of truth, therefore, I will not subject myself to a potential lawsuit. And, I might actually have an imagination though it's hard to believe me after seeing that re-touched photo.

3. What do you do with your royalties/profits?
Answer: Why? I pay bills. What do you do with your paycheck?

4. Will you read my 800 page novel for free and tell me what you think I should change? Answer: First, that's called editing and people make a living doing that full-time. Honestly, I'd love to right after I write my next book, work at my day job, take care of my family, update my website, pay bills, go to church, tour at my own expense, do interviews, volunteer in the community and write press releases. Yes, I do want to help in any way I can, but I cannot give away my time. Most writers have another job for a reason. I recommend reading books on writing, going to workshops, taking classes, or hiring a writing coach. Invest in yourself. That's what I did. I'm not mean. I'm tired.

5. You should go on Oprah!
Answer: Oprah doesn't interview fiction writers with one self-published novel, but if you got a hook-up. Holla!